


Today, I Smile

by jaemibbeom



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Past Relationship(s), it's in Jae's POV, side Brian x Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 16:51:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16580342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemibbeom/pseuds/jaemibbeom
Summary: Half excitement and half fear. She stands before him, and Jae knew in his heart that he wants her back. But it's too late. She has gone away. And the ones who get away, stay away.





	Today, I Smile

**Author's Note:**

> idk, i just felt like writing a story in a guy's point of view  
> and i love (hurting) jae. loljk i LOVE JAEEEEEE (((who doesn't)))
> 
> yep, it's based loosely on DAY6's I Smile.

Twenty eight months, 3 weeks, and 4 days. It’s funny how I’ve been tracking down the time that had passed by, knowing how the memory that happened that time counted as something I wouldn’t want to remember. But life is really unconceivable, because how can I forget something that plays in my mind every single day?

I gazed down at the piece of colorful paper I was holding with my name written on it.

_Park Jaehyung._

My jaw clenched at the thought of my name written as a guest. I placed the invitation down and darted my gaze at the tux neatly hung at the handle of my closet. I laughed bitterly as I visualized myself wearing it. I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this. I have never imagined that this time would come, that I would be resenting the idea of seeing _her_.

My eyes remained fixed on the clothing as I remembered something that had happened four months ago. It was the day I met _her_ again. I remember how the first drop of snow came that day, which reminded me so much of the season I have always spent with her. And finally, after two long years, I saw her again, standing beautifully right in front of me.

 “Hi.” she greeted with a smile.

“Hi.” I responded almost instantly.

I still could not believe what I am seeing. She was finally standing in front of me.

_Baby…_

She took the seat across mine and I watched as the smile on her face never left. “How have you been?”

I continued staring at the beauty in front of me. My breath almost ceased with just her presence. I did not expect meeting her, especially today.

“I’m fine. How about you?”

A vibrant smile etched on her lovely visage, “I’m great.” she replied, to which I nodded.

_Why did you come?_

_Why did you decide to come?_

_Do you still love me?_

_Please say you still do._

Before I could utter another word, she ducked her head low as she spoke. “Brian wanted to see you but he’s busy, so I just came here to give this to you.”

She fished something from her bag and placed it on the table that was separating us. There lied a rectangular piece of paper wrapped in a pink ribbon. I stared at it for a moment before reaching it to read what’s written on it.

“Brian wants you to be the best man in our wedding. You’re his best friend, after all.” she uttered softly without looking at me.

My eyes remained glued on her. She was the person behind the beating of my heart. And at this moment, she became the reason why it shattered into millions of irreversible pieces.

I couldn’t say anything. Fuck. It hurts so much. So she’s getting married… and with my fucking best friend.

“Okay.” Was the only word that escaped my lips.

I swallowed hard to hold back the tears because I wouldn’t want her to see just how much pain she had inflicted to me with this news. She raised her head and looked at me, surprised.

“R-Really?”

I nodded my head and faked a smile, “Sure.”

“Thank you.” she returned the smile, and I hated how my heart easily betrayed me for beating crazily at the thought that, finally, I made her smile again. After all this time, I was finally the reason again why a smile painted on her face.

I couldn’t believe what I’ve agreed into. I just agreed to become the best man in the wedding of the only woman I have ever loved.

“Does he treat you well?” I queried out of the blue.

“He does.” She sheepishly ducked her head.

I smiled again. “I’m glad.”

Her phone suddenly rang and she immediately answered it, not minding the fact that I was in front of her.

“Hello, love?” she greeted and right then and there, I knew who she was talking with.

She glanced at me hesitantly. “Yes, I’ll go now. L-Love you.”

I looked away as I listened to her conversing with _him_. I didn’t even gaze at her when she bade me goodbye, I only nodded and pretended to look at my wristwatch as I said, “Yeah, I’ll be heading home now too.”

I headed to my apartment immediately without finishing my working hours. I don’t give a damn about the company. All I know is that I want to drown myself in alcohol before I get drowned in my own tears.

Time ran fast but I still could not escape from the pain I was feeling. I set my can down the table. I was already on my sixth can but why the hell do I still this fucking pain in my chest? I just want to benumb myself to death. Especially when memories started flashing in my mind. Maybe it was because we were too young back then that we did not last.

The soft whispers, the screams, the warm embraces, everything is coming back to me in a reeling motion that I feel dizzy at the sudden surge of emotions that came crashing in.

Nobody knew about us.

_Nobody knew that I loved her so damn much…_

I threw my head back and sighed in anguish. She was my everything. But everything is temporary.

It didn’t even occur to me that I have already drifted to sleep until I woke up to the mess I’ve turned my room into. My phone also did not stop ringing so I opted to answer it despite my head throbbing in pain. I answered it without looking at who was calling.

“What.” I said monotonously.

“What the fuck, Park Jaehyung?! What have you done?!”

Based on the hysteria, it was Sungjin.

I rubbed my eyes as I lazily sat on the couch since I slept on the floor last night.

“What have I done?” I returned the query.

I could almost see Sungjin motioning to strangle me. “You’re attending Brian and her wedding?”

At the mention of it, everything automatically became covered with grey skies. I felt the pang creep in my chest again. I don’t want to talk about it yet.

“It’s fine, Sungjin.” I calmly said.

“But—”

“With my presence or not, they’re still getting married. It won’t make much difference if you’d ask me.”

The other line fell silent. I know what’s running in Sungjin’s mind right now, but I don’t need that. I don’t want anyone’s pity.

“Jae. I know this is hard for you. You can just back out if you want, I’ll tell him.” Sungjin’s voice was full of worry and sadness. I could almost picture his face while saying those words.

I shook my head as if he could see me. “I said it’s fine. I don’t want to disappoint them.”

“Like how they disappointed you?”

This time, I was the one who fell silent. Reminiscing the past would only bring back the pain so why bother? And I don’t blame them. I don’t blame her. I blame myself. Maybe I wasn’t good enough. Maybe I wasn’t the man she was looking for. Maybe I didn’t love her enough. Or maybe, she did not love me enough. Because I wasn’t good enough.

“Jae? Are you still there?” Sungjin’s voice brought me back to reality.

I heaved a sigh before answering. “Yep. See you later. I’m hanging up.”

I ended the call without waiting for him to respond. I walked and lied back on my bed as I stared blankly at the ceiling. I didn’t even notice myself shifting my gaze to the photo frame beside my bed.

_Why do I still love you?_

_Why is it still you?_

_It’s been two years…_

_Why did you come back just to shatter the remains of my world you’ve broken before?_

_Why am I still hurting?_

It’s been two years… but it still stings. I can still vividly remember how we used to lie on this bed. Her presence was intoxicating, and she would be the only one I need to make my day better. Her smile could move mountains. She was beyond perfection. The only imperfection she had… was me.

We were imperfect. We argued a lot, but we made sure to make up before the night ended. She was the most important person in my life and I couldn’t afford to lose her.

But in the end, I lost her.

I lost the only woman I love.

_I wish I was good enough for her to stay._

 

**************

 

I jolted from my reverie when I heard the buzzing tone from my phone. Just when I thought I was already done recalling the bittersweet memories from the past, the text flashing on the screen made me otherwise.

**_Happy 5th anniversary, baby! Love you always!_ **

**_– Your Favorite Baby_ **

I felt my throat tighten in pain as I read the supposed happy greeting for this day. She made this 3 years ago, thinking we would go on until forever. I have changed my phone over the years, but my google account remained the same, and I guess this was saved using the same account years ago. I remained lying on my bed as I caught sight of the invitation of her wedding to someone else.

It hurts like hell. It still does. I'm so tired of this shit. I'm so tired of crying. This feels like drowning but you don't fucking die. It hurts because of all the 365 days in a year, they just had to choose our anniversary as their wedding day.

_Does it mean nothing to you now?_

Another batch of tears streamed down my face. Hell, I feel so gay right now. But I’m just really in pain… in so much pain. Sometimes, I wonder, what if we never parted? What if it was still me? What if we’re still together?

_Does Brian treat you well?_

_I hope he makes you happy more than you were with me…_

_I hope he knows how much you hate waking up with a blanket over you…_

_I hope he knows when you’re about to cry…_

_I hope he considers all your sensitivity…_

_I hope the two of you won’t be like us…_

_I hope you won’t feel the pain I felt… and still feel._

_Please be happier than me._

**************

 

The whole scene looked so familiar. The flowers, the white decors, everything was familiar. The only thing difference was, we’re inside a big church while five years ago, we were only in a small chapel as we promised to love each other forever, thinking we would really be each other’s end game. We got married, but no one knew. Because it wasn’t legal. It wasn’t official. It wasn’t an assurance that she would always be mine. But in those short moments, I lived there. It was forever. It might be short, but it was forever for me.

The bells started ringing as the doors opened. The orchestra played a song full of love. Different faces welcomed me as they entered the holy building. I remained standing outside as a car parked right before me. The car door opened and there I saw Brian Kang.

God knows how much I want to be in his place.

He seemed to have seen me because he etched a smile and marched steps towards me.

“Hey, bro.” he greeted when he was in front of me.

I raised my brows as I smiled. “Congratulations on your wedding.”

“Thank you.” He replied. “And thank you for coming.”

I only nodded as a response as I excused myself. I saw his other good friend Chris approaching and I used it as an opportunity to leave.

Brian and I have been friends since we were in high school. He was only months younger than Sungjin but Sungjin and I were a grade ahead of him. We were in one circle of friends together with Dowoon and Wonpil. Brian was like a younger brother to me, I was always there when he needed help. I didn’t have a younger brother, maybe that’s why I treasured him like one. I was there to listen whenever he had problems. But he never knew about her and me. Brian left for Canada a year before I met her.

I heaved a sigh as I calmed myself. This is not the right time and place to reminisce things. I was told to stand on the aisle beside the first row of chairs because that’s where the best man should be.

A familiar melody filled the entire church. Beautiful voices started echoing, and it was the cue. It was starting. The huge doors opened as my eyes fixated on the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on. My breath almost stopped as I was mesmerized by the beauty that was approaching. Familiar warmth wreathed my heart inside my chest. She was blooming, and was radiating so much loveliness. Again, pain started to creep when I realized, she wasn’t smiling for me. And as I was waiting at the end of the aisle, there was someone else who was waiting on a farther place. I remained looking at her as she passed by me, and went to the man she now loves.

I watched how she linked her arm with an arm that is not mine. I glanced at my arm as I recalled the first time I held her. As time passes, it’s becoming more difficult to breathe. I shifted my gaze to her parents and saw that they were both crying. Their eyes were all brimming with tears of utter happiness. I froze upon the realization that I must be the only person here who feels dejected.

I bit my lower lip as I took a deep breath. The ceremony continued and I remained silent as they exchanged vows in front of me. Memories of the two of us exchanging the same vows replayed in my head. I shook my head immediately. It’s all in the past now.

Everything has already passed now.

 

**************

 

The reception followed in the hotel that Brian’s family owns. The whole vast room was painted with serene white, with a touch of sparkling gold. Everything screamed luxury. I smiled, everything is just right for her. Her whole existence is precious and priceless. She is a luxury that made me feel like I was the king of the world. And when she disappeared, I was left in the slums. My entire world shattered, and I had no other choice but to reside inside the dilapidated four walls of anguish and bitterness. But today, she was building my world again. It has been difficult to start again, but seeing her this happy… made me feel like I own all the riches again.

I sipped on the glass of wine I was holding as Sungjin stared at me. I knew that he was about to spit something gibberish so I opted to ignore him and stood up and strode towards the terrace. There was no one else there. I gazed up and looked at the dark skies. It was a starless night. Blinking, I visualized a different sky, one with millions of stars on. Suddenly, it was as if I time-travelled to the past.

_The stars were twinkling beautifully above us as we lied on the soft grass at the mountain we chose to hike. I smiled as I fixated my gaze on her beside me while she was busy looking at the stars._

_“Wow… So beautiful.” she whispered with an amazed expression._

_Both ends of my lips arched as I remained looking at her, “Yeah, so beautiful.”_

_She then shifted to face me and was startled to see me already looking at her. Her forehead creased. “You’re not even looking at the stars, Jae.”_

_I raised my brows, “Why should I? My view here is more beautiful.”_

_She rolled her eyes but her smile didn’t escape from my vision. “I want to live here forever.”_

_“Forever? Don’t you want to live in a house with me?” I asked, jealous._

_This time, she raised a brow at me. “Why would I live with you?”_

_“Why not? I know you love me.” I answered._

_“I know you care.” she added._

_I buffered for a few seconds before realizing she was actually quoting a Justin Bieber song. We both laughed at her failure of a joke. And then a comfortable silence followed._

_“Baby, I love you.” I whispered as I looked intently into her brown orbs._

_She smiled as she inched forward to kiss the tip of my nose. “I love you too, baby.”_

_I advanced and placed a soft kiss on her lips this time. “I can’t imagine myself without you in the future… I just… can’t.”_

_She shook her head and etched her beautiful smile. “You don’t have to. Because I am always yours.”_

_Suddenly, small drops of white fell from the sky._

_Winter has come._

_I held her hand. “Do you know the legend about getting to spend forever with the person you are with during the first drop of snow?”_

_Her baffled expression got me. I smiled at her. “Marry me, baby?”_

_Eyes glistening with tears, she responded softly, but enough for me to hear. “Yes, I will.”_

Another heavy sigh uttered, I turned around to go back inside when I saw her.

It’s been years, but she’s still the same beautiful woman I fell in love with. Her eyes are still the same; they still shine whenever I look at them. But right now, I know that I am no longer the reason behind the sparkles in her eyes. They belong to someone else now. _She belongs to someone else now._

“Hi,” she greeted.

“Hey.” I beamed back.

It was only the two of us outside, and only if you go out the hall will you see us. So it felt really awkward. It was half excitement and fear for me. Looking at her made me so happy, but at the same time, it was breaking me more. The fact that she was wearing a wedding dress was beautiful, but it was ugly because it wasn’t me who she was wedded with.

“Congratulations on your wedding…” I told her.

She pursed her lip as she looked at me hesitantly. “Thank you for coming, Jae.”

“Of course. You’re both important to me, so I have to come.”

She looked at me at the mention of the word _‘both’_. She must be surprised to hear it from me after all these years, and after everything I went through.

“I-I’m sorry that you had to do this—”

“Don’t be. Brian wanted me to be here so I came.” I fixed my necktie to keep me busy because my hands were starting to quiver. I didn’t want a conversation with her here, especially not on the day of her wedding with my best friend.

She nodded, “T-Thank you again.”

I couldn’t utter a proper response. I remained looking at her and it might have actually made her uncomfortable. But for the last time, I think I have to do this. I want to instil in my mind how she looked on the day she was finally gone, permanently. I want to remember how she looked like on the day my heart broke so badly. I want to remember, so I’d also remember to forget her because I couldn’t do so.

Within those two years, I forced myself to hate her. But the moment I saw her two years after, the wall I built around my heart broke immediately.

The soft locks of her hair… I want to reach for them so I’d remember how they felt like on my fingers. I want to trace my hand on her cheeks so I’d remember how it felt like to hold her. I want to place my lips atop hers for the last time so I’d never forget how sweet they were, just like how it used to be.

But I couldn’t do it.

“You’re still beautiful.” were the only words that came out of my mouth.

She was startled by my sudden compliment. “T-Thank Y—”

“You were here, love?”

I shifted my gaze on the arm that snaked on her waist. Her waist where my arms used to always rest at.

“I was wondering if there was someone out here and then I saw Jae.”

Brian nodded as he smiled at me. “Why don’t you come back inside, Jae? Wonpil was looking for you earlier.”

“It’s fine, I’ll just talk to him later.” I answered.

My eyes were still on his arm on her waist. I watched as Brian pulled her closer to him. And then I looked away.

“I’m really lucky to have her.” He told me. “And I hope you’ll find your own love now, Jae.” Brian even started wishing for me.

He’s lucky… I know. I am totally aware. I etched a wistful smile as memories started to flash again in my head.

 

_“It’s only been a year! How could you… how could you fall in love with him?” I queried as angry tears fell from my eyes._

_She couldn’t look at me in the eyes as hers were also pooling with tears. “I… I’m sorry. I just—I just really love him. Jae, it’s been a year since I told you we should take a break, right? I—”_

_“You told me we should take a break, not break up for fucking real! There is a fine line between the two, dammit!”_

_“But there’s also a fine line between keeping the love alive by giving me time and only being loyal to me without actually exerting efforts to manifest your love for me!” she started screaming which caught me off-guard. “I went to Canada and I met him, yes. But I met him when our relationship was already on the rocks, Jae. And was I the reason why it had been so difficult for us?”_

_I couldn’t reply. She removed my hand that was holding her arm to stop her from moving._

_“Jae, you have been neglecting me. I felt like I was your girlfriend, but at the same time, I was not. We kept on fighting over petty things. You always get mad whenever I ask for your time. Fuck, what else was I supposed to do other than demand for your time? I couldn’t even spend days with you. You fucking forgot about me while you were with Jimin—”_

_“I told you, it was a mistake! I know… Baby, I’m sorry. I thought we’re over this? Jimin was… she was just a fling. My heart has always been yours—”_

_“Fuck you!” she yelled. “Fuck you and your self-centered self! You broke my trust so I asked for a break. I left for Canada to find myself because honestly, I wasn’t happy anymore. I wanted to find myself and think if I still want us to work out. But I met him… and fuck, he was everything you’re not.”_

_My brows furrowed at her continuous attacks. “Brian is my fucking best friend—”_

_“I know! And I still wonder how you became friends with someone as nice as him, knowing too well how your attitude is shit and everything.” She spat. She was furious, but at the same time, I know that it’s painful for her to say these things to me._

_I marched forward to reach for her hands but she kept on swatting my hands away. I caught her arm and held it tight. “Baby, please… Don’t leave me… I’m sorry, I know, I was wrong. I’m wrong. I know, and this time, I’ll do better. I won’t spend time on anything else if not you. I won’t—”_

_“You’re too late, Jae.” Her final blow destroyed me. “I love him. I love Brian. And honestly, I wish I knew him before you. I wouldn’t have gone that fucking painful road with you. Jae, please… let me go.”_

_I shook my head as tears continued to cascade on my face._

_“He was there when you shattered me. He fixed me. He mended everything. He made me feel like I was worth it, something you made me feel otherwise. And in the course of one year that I spent with him, never did he look at someone else. Jae, he loves me. Please… just let me be happy.”_

_I love her. I love her so much. I love her so fucking much! But the sight of her crying… the sight of her pleading for me to let her be happy with my best friend… I couldn’t stand it._

_I love her so much and I know that I’ve done her wrong. I was never the perfect lover, but I ruined the relationship we had. I have no one else to blame but myself. I wasn’t enough. She didn’t look for someone else on a whim. She looked for someone else to fix herself. And that someone else just turned out to be… my best friend._

_My grip on her arm loosened as I saw my whole world fall apart right in front of my eyes. My vision was blurry due to the tears, but it was clear to me that she wants to end things already. That no matter how much I beg her to stay, she will not. She will leave. She will go away._

_And things that get away, stay away._

_“I’m sorry…” I softly said as I looked down and let go of her, both her arm and her heart. “Please… be happy.”_

**************

I smiled at them. She looked so happy to be with Brian, and who am I to keep her from her happiness?

“Please… be happy.” I repeated the last words I told her years ago… and probably, it will be my last words to them.

Brian smiled at me. He must know already about our past, but I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. Like how my feelings wouldn’t matter anymore. They finally tied the knot, and they are bound to live their lives happily from now on. And honestly, that is all I am wishing for right now.

Everything is all in the past now. I have to say goodbye, even though just yesterday, I could still feel her inside my heart. Today, I have to let go. If I stretch things further, I will just exhaust myself. I couldn’t let her go for the past two years, but today, I have to.

She smiled at me for the last time, and I’m not sure how long until her smile will no longer be the most beautiful for me. She looked at Brian at gave him her loving gaze as Brian tucked her hair behind her ears. They turned around and started walking to go back inside the hall. She looked back at me, and I smiled at her.

Winter tears continued falling from the sky. And as they strode farther, the closer it was to the end. I looked up and gazed at how the snow fell slowly, until it was over.

There went the last drop of snow. The painful bolt of nostalgia was slowly striking me as I remembered. I slowly lowered my gaze. Smiling gently, a small drop of hot liquid slid past my face as the winter tears stopped falling to the ground.

Ah. Spring is coming. She has gone away. And the ones who get away, stay away.

I looked at the same spot she was standing at earlier. I could still visualize how she looked like today when she broke my heart badly, when she left me permanently.

Tears continued to cascade down my face as I took a deep breath to smile.

I reached for the vision of her in front of me as I continued smiling, as if she could actually see me, hear me, feel me. The exact vision vanished right away when I tried reaching for her. I looked further in front and saw them lovingly walk towards the hall. I uttered a sigh as I let the fact that she is now married to my best friend, sink in to my system.

Baby… do you remember when I was your groom?

_Now I’m your best man._


End file.
